Now

 

I saw him today for the first time in four years. I can hardly believe it’s been that long since I left… . Time is such an elusive thing; fleeting.

He looks the same. Same jet-black hair; same grey-green eyes. Such startling, dangerous eyes. Eyes I could (and did) get lost in… eyes that tell a thousand tales, yet at the same time give nothing away. Reading people’s eyes is something I’ve always been able to do; but his… I could never read his.

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***

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He was standing across the room from me at ‘The Café’, the little bistro I ate at most afternoons, chatting to a man with a very bad haircut. The moment I recognised him, my pulse quickened and my breath caught in my throat. I struggled to swallow down the bile rising up from my empty stomach, and took a huge gulp of air in an attempt to hold back the unwelcome tears that sprung to my eyes. All those repressed feelings came flooding back… emotions I had not felt in years… making my head spin.

That's when I saw her. A little girl, petite, with dark hair - not quite black - danced over to him and tugged on his sleeve. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but he smiled at her and she grinned back, as he placed a silver coin in her little hand. She turned towards me then, and I drew a sharp breath as I caught sight of her face.

She was beautiful; an angel. All pigtails and dimples… his dimples. I couldn't look away. As she looked back at me with a smile still playing on her lips, I felt a tug at my heart that I hadn’t felt since the day I’d left.

Breathe, Sara; just breathe, I told myself as she moved slowly towards me, somehow drawn to me, even though she couldn’t know who I was.

"Hi," I said to the stranger who shouldn’t be a stranger.

"Hi," she greeted back, dimples showing in her flushed cheeks.

Just then, he glanced in our direction, looking for her; and just like all those years ago, our eyes met, and just like then my knees felt like they would buckle under his gaze.

He just stared at me for a second, almost as if he didn’t know me, then he said something to the man with the bad haircut and started walking over towards us. “Sara…” he said. A statement. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking right then. As always, his eyes gave nothing away.

He looked so good. I almost forgot where I was or what I was even doing there. The world suddenly seemed to stop moving, and I felt heavy, like something was pushing down on me…. The weight of guilt, I suppose.

“Hello Justin,” I said as he stopped a few feet away from us.

“It’s you,” he said. “I mean… wow. Sorry, I just didn’t expect to run into you like this.”

“You know I moved down here after… .” I trailed off, not wanting to finish.

“I know. I know,” he said. “I guess it just slipped my mind.”

“You’re the last person I expected to see here. What brings you to Cape Town?”

“Business. I joined a new architectural firm - we moved here two weeks ago and I officially start my first design project next week.”

“That’s amazing,” I said. “Congratulations.”

“Daddy, who’s this?”

We’d almost forgotten she was there.

I’m your mother, I thought with bittersweet emotion.

“Hey princess”, said Justin, putting an arm around her shoulders, “This is Sara. She’s um…”

“An old friend of your dad’s,” I finished for him.

“Oh, cool! We just moved here, and we don’t know a lot of people. Just the old man and his lady who live at the house next to ours, and Jimmy, who lives across the road. He’s only six and I’m going to be Six on Saturday. I haven’t started at my new school yet, so I don’t have any friends yet. Would you come to my party?”

All this in virtually one breath.
I laughed in surprise at her readiness - eagerness, even - to include me, a perfect stranger, in her plans.

“I’m sure Sara already has plans for the weekend, Grace.” Justin said, stroking Grace’s hair; looking at me with those eyes.

“Well, uh, actually, I was only planning on having a pyjama day; maybe rent a movie…”  I said.

“So you’ll come?” asked Grace.

I looked down at her and then back up at Justin and said, “If your dad says it’s okay…”

“Please, daddy! Can Sara come?”

“I guess that would be alright,” He said to me; then to her, “The birthday girl gets what the birthday girl wants.”  

“Yay!” Grace squealed triumphantly. “Can I go get my ice cream now?”

Justin laughed, “Yes, ok, go.”

“ ’Bye, Sara. See you on Saturday.” She skipped off to the ice cream counter and I said, “See you on Saturday,” too quietly for her to hear.

“She likes you,” He had said.

"She's beautiful," I breathed, still looking after her.

"Like her mother," Justin said. "She has your spirit too.”

Ignoring that particular comment, I said, “What did you tell her?”.

“About you?”

“Yes.”

“I told her what you asked me to.”

“So... she believes I’m dead?”

“You told me to tell her that. Remember? You said to tell her you died in the accident… so, that’s what I did.” He had so much anger in his voice; and something else too.

“I know I did,” I whispered, unshed tears stinging my eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, I…”

“No, it’s okay. Please don’t apologise. You have every right to be angry. Look, I really should get going, I have a class in ten minutes,” I said, glancing at the clock above the coffee bar.

“You’re teaching again.” Another statement.

“At Cedar House. I needed an income and you know I hate waiting tables.”

“Yes, I remember,” he said, with a faraway look in his eyes.

“So, um, about Saturday…”

“You are going to come, right? She’ll be crushed if you don’t.”

“No, no,” I said quickly. “I mean yes, I’ll definitely be there. Where is it?”

“She loves horses, so I’m taking her to Oude Molen Eco Village… Here, I think I have the address…” He reached inside his jacket pocket.

“I know where it is. I actually used to go there often.”

“Ok; good. Well, let me give you my card, in case you need to call me” he said, a little awkwardly. He pulled a business card out of his pocket and handed it to me. I took it and gave him a faint smile, said goodbye, and left the bistro with a last glance at Grace, sitting at the counter, licking a blue ice cream.